the idle mind is really a devil's workshop.
its been 5 months. time really flew(?) by just like that. i can't really decide whether it was fast or was it dreadingly slow? its so funny(?) how i feel the opposite ends of emotions. somedays when i realized its been 5 months, and close to half a year since all this drama, its easy to think that time really flies. but there are those days when i feel the light at the end of the tunnel is nowhere to be seen. i don't know whether this is actually funny or not? haha. that has been how i've been feeling these days. highs & lows, highs & lows. some days so full by the love & support from family & friends but there were also those dark days when i felt so alone and no one understands. so alone that i could think that nobody would really care if i passed on; except for my mum, dad, sis & mark. with so much time in my hands, i started questioning my self worth and was filled with doubts. i keep going back & forth, back & forth.
could i have used my 5 months better? some days i feel like i've wasted it, without doing anything good. some days i felt i did the best i could've done considering the circumstances. i dont know. what would you have done? what would i get out of these 6 months' 'break'? new life? new perspectives? new gusto for living? far from it. what ive been feeling now is just sluggishness. i probably have myself to blame for that but u'd think that for someone who has beaten cancer would have so much more to live for. she would be raring to go, can't wait to resume normal life, get back to work, earn some money, getting back into the game. but honestly, i don't even know whether i can make it. can i fit in again? how would i fare at my workplace? really..
ah, im just blabbering and im not sure if this even makes sense.
